Everyday Is A Journey

I feel as though that there just isn't enough time during the day to blog. I really miss it. Most of the time I will lay in bed and remember CRAP I FORGOT TO BLOG!!!!.... Happens all the time.. I just don't carry my computer around with me as much as I used to when I would have class. I have an iphone yes, but generally hate typing to blogger via small keys ... 
I'd rather have it on my computer..

So a lot has been happening this week being it's the last week of school and then finals and graduation is coming up... 11 days !!!!!!!!! I am super excited. 


I can't wait to be a college graduate and I have to say that it's been a long winding road since I started college all the way back in 2007 once I had graduated from high school. Yes I did the whole community college thing. It wasn't that bad of an experience at all. Just a side note make sure that you know your courses will transfer !!! otherwise you will be taking over a lot of classes again spend more money yikes..... 

Anyways My recital is done. It went great as in the last blog post I put. I was happy and really wanted to do it again for some odd reason. That generally never happens, but I can't complain with that because I guess it means it was just fun !!!

Anyways short blog tonight I am tired of looking at a computer screen because I have been writing a paper for the last 2 hours and It's done , but I need a screen break and some sleep since I've been out in the sun most of the day. 

Recital part 1

This week has been a crazy one !!! But I loved every single minute of it.

You are probably wondering what I am talking about. This week as we call it in our school is recital week . Where we have last minute changes and dress rehearsal and then the big recital. 
A lot of stress is usually built up during this week because you just want it to be great or perfect. I wasn't one of those people I wasn't nervous at all expect for the hour before hand because everyone was like stop freaking out . It's like just be quiet please. I kept saying I was fine , because I knew I was I just wanted to start already because that's what I needed. 

I have to say that some songs might of not went well in one piece , but I look at it for not being a perfect musician. I can't be 150% perfect on everything that I do. I worked hard for my recital I've had disappointments in lessons and days where everything went great. I was just there to show the improvement and knowing that I had 4 great years with up and downs , but in all reality I will never change one bit of it. 

This week alone I've learned a little more about myself and I finally can say that I've been truly happy and that I finally feel like my life is starting out fantastic. 

more later. Today I am just relaxing. 

Soul Mates?

I have 3 days till my senior recital!?!?!?!?! this has been a long time coming and I have to say that I am not nervous at all.
I will probably be really nervous tomorrow during my dress rehearsal. 
Yet I don't want to actually like perform, because I don't want it to be my best I want it to be ok lets see what other kinks we can get out. 
 I am so under stress its crazy to think that because I remember last year I was overly stressed out and that I didn't know how to handle my stress. But then I remember that I was in a relationship that was stressing me out as well because , of plans getting changed and then him being angry that I decided to practice instead. 
Anyways I am very happy. Now I am more relaxed around my current boyfriend and we are so in sync with each other. I have to say that communicating is really what is making it work. It's a great feeling to be able to just let go and communicate. I don't know why it was so hard for me. 

I know what most of you are probably thinking? " didn't you just break up with him not even a week ago ". my answer is "yes". But in all reality I didn't think it through and now we are closer then ever because I finally opened up and let him in because I feel as though you need to do that if you are in a relationship.
We support each other and that we will always be supporting each other. Just over this week has just been a reality that I was so scared of getting hurt that I hurt others in the process. I think in general it's just a mind set that I am in when it comes to friendships and relationships. 


I am so ready for my recital.. This is crazy I am usually still scrambling to get everything done this time around I am just enjoying everything. Its a great thing to not worry. I also have my boyfriend to help me relax even if it's just having Chinese food and watching a movie or two and then falling asleep during the second. I still can't believe that he just let me sleep. I woke up about 45 mins later with a blanket on and he was cuddled up next to me still watching the movie. Having his arm around me so I wouldn't fall off it was the most comfortable and most sleep I've gotten in a long time. I wish I just stayed the night but I didn't have any change of clothes and my concert attire for the concert that is tonight. 
Could we really be soul mates? is that even possible ? 

 
 

Thursday Thoughts

My morning was really uneventful it's more of just getting up with little sleep as possible. I just love those kind of nights where you are so drained from the day and emotionally tired that you can fall asleep, but then you really don't. 

I've been nothing but crying at night because I'm giving my heart to heal. I feel as though that it's breaking down my wall at the same time. I also get these mixed feelings and that he really doesn't want to be with me. Even though two days ago he said he would wait.. I am so confused. 

I'm just going to wait it out because maybe with our recitals very close. That it might just be because we need to not be so stressed out. 

I know that this journey is hard and will keep getting harder, but I am afraid that he won't be there waiting and that He does care, but not enough. I know I shouldn't be so worried, and just let it pan out , but when I don't know the outcome and I don't think my heart can handle all this emotion. I guess you just need a couple days of pure depression before you can pick yourself up. 

Just think If I had thought this through we would be celebrating our 6 month on Tuesday. and not trying to act like friends because our emotions are still way past friends. I can feel it as that, but then again he is putting up his guard up. I can't stop tearing up even when I look at him my heart just drops into a million pieces and it takes so long to pick up the pieces . 

Whacky Wednesday

Today was the first day where I took it into my well being of starting to change the way I am. And I mean not all of me just some of the things. 

I have to say it was hard because I kept catching myself. I mean It wasn't easy for this morning when I took a picture and sent it to him I was saying the truth what I saw . 

It was a whole body image at least to my waist, but I was honest which I am usually negative about, I think though that I was really positive this time around. Which was completely different because I am usually not agreeing with everyone and that I don't think I look like someone who would want me in that way or in any way because I am so used to shrugging it off as if it was nothing. 

I just guess that life can be really shitty to you to the point where you know that It's not the life that you truly want to live through and it took one special guy to really make me think of what I have been doing is pushing so many people away because I was too afraid to let them in .

I did some meditation this morning when I woke up I have to say that my mind was so much clearer through out the day , and I actually had a good day today. 
I made a few mistakes in Band today , but I know I am not perfect It's a difficult piece, but I still play it well as I can. But I still have issues with our section leader , because He is just very ignorant and really just thinks that all we do is mess up when some times it happens because he does mess up. 

Its a strange relationship in the trombone section. 


I hope you all enjoy your Wednesday night . I am sitting at school waiting for Steven and Jayron to get out of orchestra. 

There are demons that need to be ridden of my heart and mind

I really need to work on myself. Not just on the outside, but on the inside. I've been such a bitch lately and I overly hate it. I don't like the person I was and I've possibly ruined the rest of my future with the one person who could literally made me myself. Was I just to scared of what was happening that I had to ruin it. 

I wasn't thinking and I feel like I just lost the other half of me to the point I don't like the other half that I was with out him. I'm at that point of "Dear God Why am I such a stupid bitch".

 A fun picture from Saturday Night where I was the trombone holder for my friends. 

My Friend decided it would be a cool picture to use for my recital posters .

I don't think that I've cried that much for anyone. I swear he couldn't believe how much tears were coming and wouldn't stop. I'd stop for a little bit and then it would start again.
 He said that he was happy to see this side of me and that he realized that I didn't use my emotions when I did that to him. 

We talked for what seemed like hours. I am happy that he is back in my life even if we are just friends. I know I personally need to change and It's going to be a long road to recovery and where he will be able to trust me again. But I want to fight for it I want to be the one that goes to him at night with all smiles. I want to have his children. He really does make me extremely happy . I just hope he doesn't give up. 

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most". 
" I will always have this piece of my heart that will always smile when ever I think about you". 

" Never leave the person who understands you more than anyone else. Someone who can talk to about everything and will stand next to you even with your unwanted attitudes. Treasure the one that accepts and loves every bit of you ". 

I can't believe that I was just so stupid and didn't think there were other options. that just makes me more childish than anything Yes, I know I need to grow up more. 

I also knew that it was a sign that I really ruined it when my Irish ring broke around the band of it. I miss that ring, but that gives me the motivation that I  know I have to do better, and be a better person. 

I need to let go of the demons that haunt my life and make it better.  I believe over all I need to learn to love myself and Let everyone know that I love me for me and that I wouldn't change a thing about me. 

Today is a new day a fresh start and I am going to make it happen.

I can't Let go

They say that nothing last forever! 
But sometimes that just happens. 
I've been pulled and tormented through so many things , but there are times where I need to do what is right for me.

And Yes that will make other people angry that I am not doing what they want. I am sorry but If I am doing what is right then you should be proud that I want to do what I want. 

This week has run me dry between tears and pain and just something I never want to experience that ever. 

My trombone teacher has been let go after this semester is up. which is in a couple of weeks. I am his last recitalist that he will ever have. Yes you might think that it builds a lot of pressure on me , but I am doing this for myself. I want to do my best and make him proud and that I know I can do anything. 

He has been there for me since day one . Yes we bump heads on something but all the life lessons I have learned make me enjoy my life so much better. He will be missed at this school and that the student body isn't going down without a fight to keep him on the staff. 

Good NEWS I get to graduate with a degree with out certification. I can come back when I am good and ready to get my certification if I want to . 


YAY!!!
I am going out tonight with some of my girlfriends to Indiana and we are getting all dressed up  and I mean literally hair is down and made up make up , heels, Flip flops for me later 
skinny jeans and a sexy top aka what I normally wear with a little lace.

This is the first time that I will be actually going out and having a good time not worrying about anything. 

Run throught #2

So today  I had my second run through minus one song!!! but Hey I did that last week! and I am so overly prepared for that. I know I will be fine on it so I wasn't worried. I wasn't nervous for this run through I just went in there and was like Ok I have this . It's prepared now it's just to play the music. The only thing that I have to really run through is the trombone quartet that I literally just got on Monday!! yikes 3 weeks to go! 
I know that it will be a good one and that I have nothing to worry about ,but I wish that these crazy recital dreams go away. 

The one dream that was very vivid was that I didn't have my music and that I just through it out. Yeah that happened last year for my junior recital. I didn't it throw it out though it was just misplaced. The day of my dress rehearsal. 

I forgot my shoes at home and had to go out and buy a completely new pair then I broke that heel. 

My dresses got a huge hole from snagging fabric it was super crazy.. I literally was like mom .. Yes I am 25 years old and called for my mom to calm me down because I was hyper ventalating because I was scared. It was nuts.

over all though I am more comfortable today with my music then anything and there was one I literally just ran through and didn't even practice it and I was like ok that wasn't so bad. just some pitch tendencies that I need to watch and I really need to warm up in order to get some of my notes out. 

short blog today I may add more to this later in the day. Today during my one class was hilarious my friends phone went off and it said where are the white girls at.. We were busting out laughing and  my teacher was like really lol.. He made it into a joke for the whole class that kept us laughing .