Good Friday

I had a very clever post title for today and I actually can't remember exactly what it was. How sad. Maybe it will come to me as I keep blogging. Usually that is what happens or else I will remember when it's 3 in the morning.  Ever done that before where you couldn't remember what you had to tell someone and then you realize hours later what you had to say and of course when you want to send a text or call them you look at the time and it's usually pretty late. 

Yeah I've done that  a lot this week. Of course the insomnia is kind of a drag during the week. You think I would sleep more for being overly tired. NOPE I barely sleep anymore. I think in the last 4 days I've gotten a little over 12 hours of sleep. 
Yes I know what you are probably thinking. GO TO BED. I wish it were that easy trust me. I would give anything to sleep for 15 hours at a time. I have no idea what brought on this insomnia? I know I sometimes sleep over at my boyfriends because I am too tired to drive 26.6 miles home yes I know it really doesn't seem like a long distance but when you are tired from a 16 hour day you just want to collapse. I have better judgement on what I know is safe for me and others on the road. YOUR WELCOME. 

It's getting so close to my recital I am super excited and yet nervous as well. I know that everything will be fine and that it will be awesome and I need to go out with a BANG. All the hard work I know will pay off in the end. I really turned myself around in preparing for my recital. I can't wait for it to be over as well. It means I get to enjoy my time left and VanderCook College of Music. 


I never really realized that this is what I do every friday night. I sit down and eat dinner depending on if anyone is home usually everyone is out. I grab a glass of wine or maybe two depending on how stressed out I am or that I just want to relax. I open my computer up and log into blogger community, and I sit here and type. I have to say that it doesn't mean that I don't have a life I just rather spend it reminding myself why I do what I do. That and I feel that my life is more left in the city every week because most to all of my friends are up there and that I always have something going on at home where I can't always be up in Chicago. And that is ok because I can still have fun.

So tonight is cheers to a happy Good Friday and I hope you all have a fantastic Easter. I will be a busy musician this weekend, granted I only have two gigs, but family are coming over so I have to prepare for that. 

Confessions of What Is In My Heart

Generally , I can be a very happy go lucky twenty-five year old. I mean this is supposed to be the time of your life and that you are supposed to be successful in life. 

But lately I've been dealing with so much that I never know if I could be able to do what I want to do. I understand that yes life is hard and that everyone has their days where it's just bad. But does that mean that it has to be a bad week? I've had people come up to me and say that they don't want to be in my recital and it's in 3 weeks. I mean come on. At least you could of stuck it out and just waited til after my recital. 

Yes I know that I may be acting childish and that I should be better. But wouldn't you think that I would need to grow a back bone? I let everyone around me walk all over me, and it makes me look like an ugly person in the end. I get it I am ugly on the inside. 

I've been trying to change what I've been thinking and trying to drop everything and just enjoy what God gave me for a life .It's not just because I've had a hard life as a child loosing a parent at young age can only make me stronger right? I don't mean to be a bitch I am trying to be a better person and it's a little difficult for me because I don't know what to do all the time. 

When I started to rework this blog because I knew when I originally started this blog I didn't know what to type. I wasn't so used to having a lot of people read my blogs because they were not interesting enough. 

I blog for my sanity and it is for a way to let me relax. I blog because I love reading other bloggers inspirations and their hard days because We are all in the same boat. I love sharing happy moments and scary moments and that I know in the end that everything will be ok. Because God only gives you a storm if he knows that you can handle it because you can. 

I've been a fighter since I was born because You wouldn't notice by looking at me . I was born premature I was born in January when originally I was supposed to be born On March 23rd. The anniversary of my parents. But That wasn't the case. I had a twin sister who I was born with. I do miss her everyday because I always wonder what life would be if we had her around.. But I am truly grateful for God giving me the chance. 

I feel like I've let down so many of my family members because I've been so cold hearted because of everything just getting in my way. I don't deal with stress very well as you could possibly tell. I also get hurt very easy wether it be from personal antics or to my sister saying how stupid I am. But she doesn't realize that I have a disability and that it gets in the way of processing. I know that everyone means well in their life and that everyone is different and that maybe two halves can become whole again. 

I hate putting myself out there by looking good and dressing to my ability because I am scared of the work that it causes. I also don't like the attention. I despise attention. I will dress up occasionally. I usually dress up on monday whether it be a nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt or nice black pants and a nice top and a jean jacket. I just think that I have to get used to it more. I don't wear makeup or do I ever do my hair. I never know what to do with it anyways. I usually just put it up in a hair tie and then it's on the way to class or work or a gig. Make up even if I do wear little and I do mean the bare minimum its usually mascara and a little bit of powder and chap stick. Being a musician I always need chap stick around because I always have my trombone to my face and I loose a lot of moisture from the constant mouthpiece on my face. 

I am so nervous for my recital in three weeks. I've been practicing a lot over spring break last week but, I had my first run through we did 4 out of 6 songs yesterday. 

I know that next week is going to be better. 

I can't wait to be done and I can actually enjoy the rest of my time at Vandercook because I get to graduate. 

Im excited. I get to have a bigger job then to where I am right now at McDonalds. Granted they've been very nice with me about my schedule and that I can still come on weekends and work my butt off .It doesn't pay the bills and it sometimes doesn't help with gas in the caliber. But I do want to try to get my own car , which means I need to save up now and that way I can be able to do so. 

all right lovelies I think you have a lot to process, but you are all great love you all. 

Thank God Even Crazy Dreams Come True

Today after having a rough night sleep worrying over something that I shouldn't really be worrying about. I had my first run through with my accompanist for my senior recital which is in 4 weeks well less then that now. I was so nervous to start because all this work that I've been preparing has come down to lets see how I can do this. 

Over all it was not a terrible rehearsal. It was a little rough in the beginning, but that's just getting used to each other because we are both musicians. My accompanist is the best she is the greatest teacher at our school and she has a lot of spunk and energy. I seriously have no idea where she gets this energy. 

I love it how my blog from yesterday seemed so up beat and then today I feel like this one is just going to be a downer one. 
I've had nothing but issues with my boyfriend, it's not like we are all perfect, but I didn't enjoy what he said last night after I made dinner. I made dinner because I was being nice and letting him have a day off from always cooking for me. after dinner I also decided to help with the dishes because I made most of the mess ,so I decided to wash dishes. He got mad or should I say frustrated because I was only trying to help. After those were done We went to go lay down because my back spasms were kicking in and really painful at the time. He decides to tell me that I take too long in making decisions and that I need to grow up .

I understand that I need to drop it but it just rubbed the wrong way. The thing is all that I've done for him to pass school and the things that I've helped him with doesn't mean that I haven't grown up. Its called responsibility. 
RANT OVER .......

I hope everyone enjoys your Tuesday. Now it's time to finish my glass of Wine. 

How long can I stay lost

I swear today hasn't been my greatest day from just coming back from "SPRING BREAK". But I am not freaking out I took control of the situation and decided the best outcome with the help of my teacher. Because I feel as though he should know and think of where I am going.

He told me that he's seen great improvement in everything and I couldn't be more happier. I've been improving my recital a lot minus having two new pieces. 

My first trombone player has to get his tonsils out soon.With only 4 weeks to go time is running out. I don't want him to suffer on my part. I didn't want to be selfish and say "too bad". No I am not like that at all. I know when someone needs to back down and not play because they are too sick or they just have something going on.  
I have TMJ which is a jaw condition yes It messes up my trombone and voice stuff,but i still move on and keep working and if I can't then I just finger through my part. 

I've grown as an individual and I know that my life isn't easy. But we are all on different sides and schedules and we all find obstacles that we can't get rid of or that It takes a while to overcome.

I have a feeling that where my life is going great and that I am turning over a new leaf which is great and I am starting to listen to myself and figure out what is best for me. 

I hope you all enjoy your Monday and the rest of the week..

Tomorrow is my first run through with my accompanist. I am hoping for the best because I feel as though it will be good just getting the nerves out and listening to each other and going off of each other because we are musicians
 

Someone tell me again so I can rewrite this story .

Generally I rarely have anything to say on here. Besides I am graduating from college soon!!! I am beyond excited I have been waiting to hear those words that you are graduating from college for 6 years !!! That's a long time to be in college unless you are In the dentist or medical field ... Nothing really going on here just had break but it was busy with working and not much relaxing . Oh well my recital is fast approaching yikes !! But I am ready for it I can't wait .

"those who are the hardest to love... need the most"

So to make things ever not so boring on my page. I decided to change my font color. Because It's a good change. 

As you can tell from my posts when I actually post on here. that most of the time I am afraid of commitment yes I said the C word. But right now as I sit here I am actually not afraid I am more afraid of just letting myself be me. I have been trying to be what someone wants me to be and I have to say why would you want to do that. How stupid could I've been to try to be something I am not. I mean really you wonder why relationships never worked in the past. 
I was at my boyfriends last night and we were talking which happens a lot. I have to say that it was an eye opener but not in a bad way. It was just nice that we can sit down and have a quick dinner and eat and watch tv and talk. It was relaxing I have to say that it's the most I ever felt relaxed. When I am around him I feel like myself I feel that I can laugh and say anything and just have him bring out his goofy smile that I only see. 

I don't know if I am crazy or that I just think my mind has finally realized that I found "the one". I know I've said it before with my past relationship , but I feel so different with this one. Most of my friends are getting under my skin because they think that he is bad news. Yes I know that he has a past and that he's gotten into trouble, but does that mean I give him the second degree NO. I see the changes that he is going through and that He wants to be better. He feels better when I am around, I am guessing its because how I act and treat others. I feel as he just draws from that. 

If you really think about we are all not perfect, and that no one is ever going to be , but if you just find that one person who you know will always be there through thick or thin an sickness an in health. It's worth it. I've never been more happier when I am around him We really haven't fought. He have an occasional argument which is rare, but that's from being musicians because we generally fight about something musical.HAHA we have bad music egos but we all do. 

Anyways I hope you all enjoy your Tuesday and have a great day and week 

Loves 

Mary Kay 

Snow

Well It's snowing again here in Chicago. I have to say I didn't miss the snow at all. 

I've been working out a lot this week since friday and I have to say that I've had more energy and my lessons have been getting better because I've been strengthening my core a lot.

This week we have a concert and I have to say that I don't want to go. I just don't feel up to it. I am tired of performing I feel like it's all I do. 

Janessa's wedding pictures are finally up and I have to say they are gorgeous I am happy that they turned out very well.

short blog today will be a long traffic day with the snow.