Generally , I can be a very happy go lucky twenty-five year old. I mean this is supposed to be the time of your life and that you are supposed to be successful in life.
But lately I've been dealing with so much that I never know if I could be able to do what I want to do. I understand that yes life is hard and that everyone has their days where it's just bad. But does that mean that it has to be a bad week? I've had people come up to me and say that they don't want to be in my recital and it's in 3 weeks. I mean come on. At least you could of stuck it out and just waited til after my recital.
Yes I know that I may be acting childish and that I should be better. But wouldn't you think that I would need to grow a back bone? I let everyone around me walk all over me, and it makes me look like an ugly person in the end. I get it I am ugly on the inside.
I've been trying to change what I've been thinking and trying to drop everything and just enjoy what God gave me for a life .It's not just because I've had a hard life as a child loosing a parent at young age can only make me stronger right? I don't mean to be a bitch I am trying to be a better person and it's a little difficult for me because I don't know what to do all the time.
When I started to rework this blog because I knew when I originally started this blog I didn't know what to type. I wasn't so used to having a lot of people read my blogs because they were not interesting enough.
I blog for my sanity and it is for a way to let me relax. I blog because I love reading other bloggers inspirations and their hard days because We are all in the same boat. I love sharing happy moments and scary moments and that I know in the end that everything will be ok. Because God only gives you a storm if he knows that you can handle it because you can.
I've been a fighter since I was born because You wouldn't notice by looking at me . I was born premature I was born in January when originally I was supposed to be born On March 23rd. The anniversary of my parents. But That wasn't the case. I had a twin sister who I was born with. I do miss her everyday because I always wonder what life would be if we had her around.. But I am truly grateful for God giving me the chance.
I feel like I've let down so many of my family members because I've been so cold hearted because of everything just getting in my way. I don't deal with stress very well as you could possibly tell. I also get hurt very easy wether it be from personal antics or to my sister saying how stupid I am. But she doesn't realize that I have a disability and that it gets in the way of processing. I know that everyone means well in their life and that everyone is different and that maybe two halves can become whole again.
I hate putting myself out there by looking good and dressing to my ability because I am scared of the work that it causes. I also don't like the attention. I despise attention. I will dress up occasionally. I usually dress up on monday whether it be a nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt or nice black pants and a nice top and a jean jacket. I just think that I have to get used to it more. I don't wear makeup or do I ever do my hair. I never know what to do with it anyways. I usually just put it up in a hair tie and then it's on the way to class or work or a gig. Make up even if I do wear little and I do mean the bare minimum its usually mascara and a little bit of powder and chap stick. Being a musician I always need chap stick around because I always have my trombone to my face and I loose a lot of moisture from the constant mouthpiece on my face.
I am so nervous for my recital in three weeks. I've been practicing a lot over spring break last week but, I had my first run through we did 4 out of 6 songs yesterday.
I know that next week is going to be better.
I can't wait to be done and I can actually enjoy the rest of my time at Vandercook because I get to graduate.
Im excited. I get to have a bigger job then to where I am right now at McDonalds. Granted they've been very nice with me about my schedule and that I can still come on weekends and work my butt off .It doesn't pay the bills and it sometimes doesn't help with gas in the caliber. But I do want to try to get my own car , which means I need to save up now and that way I can be able to do so.
all right lovelies I think you have a lot to process, but you are all great love you all.
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