Fearless, what does that mean to most people is that your fearless and nothing scares you or it does, but you don't show it.
Lets just say that for me fearless wasn't in my vocabulary until recently.
I've dealt with a lot in my life from losing my dad at a young age and being the butt of jokes within the family just from being a little different then most. I have a learning disability since I was a kid and also had a speech problem as well. I am not saying that it defines who I am because I learn differently, and that it takes me a while to comprehend something to make it easier to say, but it comes out harder to understand. Fearless to be who I am . I've had a lot of set backs in my life where I was close to death as a baby because I was born 3 months to early. I was born on January 4th 1988 when I was originally supposed to be born on March 24th 1988. HUGE difference. I was one pound yes you read that correctly one pound. While my twin sister was 2 pounds and didn't make it through the night. I've always wondered if my twin sister was alive today what it would truly be like. Would there still be so much negativity towards me and my twin or would it just be everyone against me?
Lately I've been noticing a lot of negativity towards me and I can't quite put my finger or thought on it. It's like I feel as though I'm never going to be good enough. I've heard from my sister and my mom that use that common sense that we know that you don't have. Why can't you do something this simple. You are a stupid cunt.. You will never find someone to love your bitchiness no one will ever want to marry you. The list can go on. You might think that I am over reacting but, in all sense it's real as it will ever be. There are days that I will be in my room for hours just blasting music through my speakers because It's the only place that I will not disappoint my mom. I feel just because I haven't graduated yet I will on May 10th of this year. But I want to tell my family not to come because I know some of the comments will be coming back.
I've been in a really great relationship it was three months on Wednesday. He sees the real me the one that is so outgoing and always has a smile, but can still see the pain in the eyes from what goes on. He is always there when she needs him and even spending the night at least one day a week is a good way to get her out of the negativity in the house. She finally feels accepted and feels that she can finally be happy.
I feel as though I've been stuck in this darkness or negativity for so long that I wish I wasn't starting to become so negative, but being out of that negativity is what will make it a ton better.
I hope you enjoyed reading.
Love Mary Kay
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